


While He Sleeps

by thespeckledbrunette



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Nightmares, Post Reichenbach, sleeping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 05:50:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/647258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespeckledbrunette/pseuds/thespeckledbrunette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock's jumped. John's sleeping. What happens while John sleeps under the watch of Sherlock Holmes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	While He Sleeps

**Sherlock's POV**

As I look at his squirming body, and hear his cries, I can't help but think I can stop it. I'm the only one that can fix him. But I can't. It's not time. Not yet.

I hear those same words, the same words that he screams out every night, as his body twists and turns. His arms thrash out, disturbing his neat, precise sheet which I remember him adjusting every morning. Despite the amount of disturbance he causes each night, he continues to neatly fold each corner under the mattress. As if it sets everything right once again, as if it erases the memories of the nightmares, as if it can make him forget it all. But he knows, I know, it's not true, it doesn't work. "For me, one more miracle for me." And I feel sudden rush of sadness, the only sort of emotion I have ever felt. He's breaking me, although I know it's all my fault. I hold my hand over my mouth to quieten myself. I start to reach out to his shaking head, but stop short of stroking him, and hugging him, and telling him everything's going to be alright, and that I'm always here for him, no matter what. He's the only person I have ever cared about, and probably ever will care about. He's changed me. Now, I've changed him for worse. His choked sobs get louder, as he squirms even more. I often wonder what would happen if he found out, imagine what he would do. I want to tell him so bad, I want to tell him soon, but I know it's too early.

Everyone thinks I have no emotions, but it's killing me too, to have to live without him, to watch him suffer, to see the world keeps turning. I've fallen off the edge, and I'm falling, I can't stop, he reaches for me, but I'm too far gone. There's no going back once I've fallen, he can't save me, not now.

I re-run those last few, precious moments when we both knew I was about to go, when he knew I was still there. And then there's the time when I was gone. They're always in my head, every minute of every day, I try to picture the pain I caused him, it must be so much worse than mine, he thinks I've gone, that I left him. I have. His words won't stop going through my head, "hero" "ever known" "miracle".

I wonder if he knows it was all a lie. Everything that happened that day, the phone call. The words I said, to convince him, it was right what I was doing. Leaving him behind for all the wrong I'd done. Making it seem right that I should leave, it's what I deserved. But there was one bit that wasn't a lie. My tears. That rolled done my face as I saw his face contort with anger, frustration and the hope that I was wrong. I could see what I was doing. It broke me. I broke him. I'm still the only one that can fix it. As I think back to those lies, the tears roll down my face once again. They make me think of the countless tears that have fallen for me. Nobody should cry for me. I don't deserve their sympathy.

The sun begins to rise, the light shines through the curtains and I look up to see the shadows it has cast across the ceiling. I know it's time to leave, I watch his body twist and turn some more, as I stand up to go. I still hold my hand tightly over my mouth, to prevent myself from crying out and telling him everything. I walk out the room, as I do every morning as the shadow is cast over his body. I care about him, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

He's what keeps me going; he's what makes me carry on.


End file.
